I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy it.

Thought for the day

2009-11-09T00:59:00Z

This is probably only completely relevant to me, and being entirely from my perspective it's also probably completely wrong. It's something that randomly popped into my head whilst I was on the train on the way back from Sawbridgeworth at 1 o'clock this afternoon, and I wanted to get it down in black and white (or rather black and pink, as my LJ's bright pink) to see if it made any sense.

Imagine a person with a broken leg. They're wearing an enormous plaster cast and using crutches. They're limping along the road with half a dozen full carrier bags and struggling to get along, and occasionally they might have to stop or sit down for a while, but when they've rested themselves they stand up and carry on again. It doesn't matter how long it takes this person to get home with their carrier bags, because they know that eventually they'll make it back, put their feet up and have a lovely cup of tea.
Now imagine someone with depression. On the outside, they seem perfectly okay; no plaster casts or crutches to slow down their physical activity, and they have no full carrier bags. They're walking along the same road, and they're doing the exact same thing that the person with the broken leg is trying to do: get home and put their feet up.
Now imagine that this road is quite crowded, lots of people jostling each other, shouting, kids running around, cars driving past, people running to and from work and so on and so forth. Everyone in the street can see the person with the broken leg as they move along, and accordingly they stand out of they way to let them pass by easily. Space on benches is cleared for them so that they can sit down for a while. The person with depression is walking along with their head down, hunched up, hands in pockets and probably not really looking where they're going. They probably bump into the people they walk past, maybe get told to 'watch where you're going!' once or twice.
In the same way that the person with the broken leg is trying to get home with their baggage and rest up, the person with depression is trying to do the same thing, only you can't see the disability, and the 'baggage' is emotional, not physical.

When I was sitting on the train earlier and this little scene popped into my mind, I realised that it was quite a good metaphor for the way that different kinds of disabilities are treated in modern society. The two people in the scene - broken leg and depression - are exactly as they seem, two individuals with disabilities trying to get along with their lives, and working with and around the issues that having their disability causes them. The road is a metaphor for life, and the busy street represents all of the things which life has in it - not just screaming kids and people rushing around, but all of the things which life throws at us and maybe sometimes get in our way. 'Getting home' is a metaphor for getting somewhere where we feel completely safe and comfortable, whether it's an actual physical dwelling, or a point in life where these disabilities won't affect us anymore.

Now, I'm not trying to say that people with physical disabilites are somehow treated 'better' than people with mental disabilities. I've witnessed some truly horrific treatment of people with physical disabilities, and it stinks as much as horrific treatment towards people with mental disabilities. What I'm trying - probably very badly - to explain is that in our modern world, if you can see a disability, it's often easier to make allowances than it is if you can't see a disability. I speak from experience here - when I was fourteen I had surgery on my knee, and was on crutches for six weeks. I noticed during that period how much more accommodating people were towards me; opening doors and giving up seats on buses and trains, stepping aside to let me pass because I couldn't move out of their way easily.

As someone with depression (and BPD), I often notice that life generally sometimes seems a little harder than I feel it ought to be. In actuality, it's probably no different than the lives of anyone else, but it feels harder because I have a disability which makes everyday things more difficult for me to manage. I've never gone out and literally been pushed around in the street because of my mental health, and in fact most people are quite understanding about it, and realise that if I don't feel capable of doing something, it's not because I'm 'not trying hard enough' or 'making it up to get attention', it's genuinely because I can't manage it at that time. It can be very frustrating at times, because I can remember when I didn't have depression, and before my BPD became 'public' knowledge, my life felt much easier to manage. Nowadays, I spend a lot of time aiming to get back to a state of mind where I feel completely comfortable and at ease with myself, yet sometimes I encounter very negative reactions which, although I try not to let it bother me, I'm still only a mere mortal and these negative reactions sometimes set me back.

When I was told about my BPD, I promised myself that no matter what various doctors and psychiatrists said about it, that I wouldn't always have it. I want to get better. I understand that it's probably going to be quite a hard ride, and that there will be downfalls and bad periods, and even setbacks, but that I will find ways to work around them and carry on getting to where I want to be. It's not much help when people are very negative about it - that's one of the biggest setbacks - because aside from on a personal level, I've always loathed bigotry, self-righteousness and narrow-mindedness in all of its forms.

Whilst I'm not asking people to make 'special allowances' for the fact that I have BPD and depression and I'm trying to get better, I'd feel happier if people could treat me like any other human being on the planet. BPD is still a disability, albeit one that you can't obviously see, and it has its downsides and I admit that I do have a lot of setbacks - one of the main things about BPD is having trouble with everyday problems that people without BPD could manage just fine. I also realise that I'm not always the easiest person to get along with, especially when my emotional state is flying around all over the place, but I'm becoming more aware of it now and working on toning it down. I don't deliberately go out of my way to feel miserable and angry, it's just something I can't always keep control of, and the best reassurance (though admittedly not a very good one) is that it always passes.

Finally, I like to think of my BPD as being similar to my diabetes. I've had both conditions for my whole life, although neither of them were diagnosed at birth - I was three when I was diagnosed with diabetes, and twenty-two when I was diagnosed with BPD. There's no actual cure for either condition, I can only work on managing the symptoms with medication - insulin for my diabetes and antidepressants and counselling for my BPD. I like to think that one day I could live my life without either, and work hard to the aim that this could happen. There are side-effects and downsides to both; I sometimes have violent hypoglycaemic periods with my diabetes which have often landed me in hospital, and I could fill a book with the number of suicide attempts I've made over the years. My diabetes has left me with impaired blood circulation in my feet and problems with my kidneys, and my BPD has the added side-effect of clinical depression. At the end of the day, though, I try my best to learn to live with it and get along, and maintain a standard of living - both emotional and physical - which makes me feel content.

I realise that this essay - yeah, it is kind of essay-ish in nature - was long, and I'd just like to apologise if it makes little sense, and also say thanks for reading.

Random

2009-10-31T14:28:52Z

Happy Samhain to anyone and everyone who celebrates it! I'm swanning around the house in a long black velvet dress and eating nachos. Really traditional celebration, that!

Oh, we also have family staying over this weekend, but since this was arranged weeks ago, I don't think it has anything to do with celebrating Samhain. I'm amazed how many bottles of wine five people can consume in a single evening, and I don't even drink anymore...

Birthday salutations

2009-10-26T21:28:05Z

Best wishes jholloway!

Computers don't like me!

2009-10-20T03:49:36Z

So anyway, my bedroom is far too cold to sleep in, and I feel a bit sicky, so I decided to come downstairs and organise the cluttered desktop on this new laptop of ours. It was all going well until I somehow managed to delete the Recycling Bin/Trash icon from the desktop when in fact I was merely trying to empty it. I've run several full searches of the laptop in trying to look for it, and there appears to be no trace of it anywhere on the system.

Does anyone with more computer experience than me have any ideas for how I could get it back??

EDIT: Computer problems all fixed now. It's amazing what several cups of tea and an extra hour of sleep can achieve!

In other news, I had a really good time at Sunday's Requiem game. I have plot everywhere now, and this makes me happy.

Stolen from somewhere

2009-09-16T00:25:56Z

Can you fill this out without lying?
Yeah.

What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Sweet tea.

Have you ever kissed anyone named Matthew?
There is photographic evidence of me kissing my brother (named Matthew) on the cheek when I was about two.

Who was the last person you were in a car with?
My mum and brother.

Can you play guitar hero?
Nope.

Name someone that made you laugh?
Recently... uh. Probably something Arron said in an email made me laugh.

How late did you stay up last night and why?
Went to bed around 2:30am, was emailing and reading French literature in-between.

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Yes, I think I would.

Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Yeah.

Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Jon.

Do you believe exes can be friends?
It can be tricky, but generally, yeah.

Calling or texting?
Calling. Texting always seems a little impersonal somehow.

How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
Don't much like the taste, prefer diet coke.

Where is your biological father right now?
No idea.

Where are you right now?
At home on the sofa.

What bed did you sleep in last night?
My own.

What was the last thing someone bought for you?
Toothpaste.

Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Me, testing the camera on my new phone (and the photo's not half bad, either!)

Was yesterday better than today?
No, because yesterday I was feeling upset most of the day.

Can you live a day without TV?
Absolutely.

Are you mad about anything?
Some things.

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Not sure.

When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?
Yesterday (Monday).

Night in or night out?
Prefer nights out but don't manage them often.

What items could you not go without during the day?
Cigarettes, mobile phone, hairbrush, food, laptop.

Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
Can't remember. Possibly Brody. Lots of people have visited me in the hospital, though.

How many times have you been pulled over by the police?
Never personally, but I've been in cars with people who have been pulled over.

Do you hate anyone?
I dislike a fair few people, but I don't truly hate anyone.

If we were to look in your inbox, what would we find?
Online shopping stuff, Cam stuff, downtime scenes, some very personal messages. All kinds of rubbish.

Can you easily tell if someone's fake?
Some of the time.

Someone knocks on your window at 2am, who do you want it to be?
I'm not going to say!

Wanna have kids before you're 30?
Nope.

Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Blitz the house.

Can you whistle?
Yes.

Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
Left-hand side. Occasionally on my back.

Do you think too much or too little?
Too much, and about all the wrong things.

Do you smile a lot?
When I'm happy!

Who was your last missed call on your mobile?
My therapist.

Can you handle the truth?
Yes, even when it's hurtful.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Checking my email.

Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
Don't remember.

Did you have an exciting last weekend?
Not really, because I was feeling ill!

Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yup.

Have you ever dyed your hair?
Yeah, varying shades of red. Also once silver, and once green.

Are you an emotional person?
I try hard not to be.

Icky poo.

2009-09-15T19:12:49Z

I am now on my eighth day of feeling consistantly sick. I haven't actually physically been sick, just this constant nausea and painful cramps in my stomach whenever I stand up or try to walk around. I've been wearing pyjamas since Wednesday last week (not the same pyjamas, because that would be gross) and I've given up with the idea of being able to wash my hair anytime in the near future, as the cramps get worse when I raise my arms above my head. I finished the last of my codeine yesterday and ran out of anti-sickness meds at the weekend, so I really hope this doesn't last too much longer. As for other reasons why I hope this doesn't last too much longer, I'm getting heartily tired of instant mash, chicken soup and sweet tea, as I've found they're the only foods I can eat without my stomach doing somersaults.

When I start feeling better, I really have got to blitz the house, do the laundry and ironing, get some shopping done, sort out my paperwork and finalise course choices for next year. So if I suddenly disappear offline for a couple of days, you'll all know that I'm feeling much better, and therefore will be elbow-deep in various chores!

I won't be going to the Southern, because my bank balance is looking a little precarious, and having considered all different transport options, I reckon I'd still have difficulty getting back to Saffron Walden at midnight on a Saturday. Maybe next year though...

Reconsideration

2009-09-14T13:00:52Z

I'm thinking that... maybe I ought to remove the word 'date' from my last entry. It's not really a date in conventional terms. I'm merely going to the cinema with a male friend who I have known for years, and who happens to fancy me. There will be no kissing, or hand-holding, or cuddling up, or even sharing of popcorn. It's just a coincidence that me and this guy are both free on the same evening, and that we both want to go to the cinema. That's not a date!

I guess mostly the reason why I'm slightly worried that people will see this and think that I'm 'dating' is because the guy I do fancy and would like to go out with, might get the wrong idea about me. That's pretty daft in actuality, because I already asked him out once, and it was a negative in reply.

Why is it that ever since I became not part of a couple, the one person I've managed to develop a crush on, isn't at all interested in me in the same way; yet the three or four guys who do fancy me, I don't view in the same way back? I can hardly be repulsive if single, good-looking guys want to go out with me. I think the only issue here is that, I won't go out with anyone just for the sake of being in a relationship. I want to be able to feel that 'little bit extra' about whoever I go out with, that part which isn't there when you're only friends.

Some people might think I'm being picky. I call it having standards.

Just not quite good enough

2009-09-13T21:28:17Z

I have a 'date' next week. This is a 'date' in quotation marks, as I'm going to the cinema with a male friend who has a crush on me, but I don't really fancy him back, and have made it clear that we are going just as friends. Normally I would look forwards to this. My life committed social suicide in late February/early March, and so any opportunity to spend time with another human being is not something I'd pass up in a hurry.

However. Although me and this guy I'm going with: a) have known each other for years - I was fifteen when I met him; b) there's only three years between us, and I usually fall for guys who are much older than me; c) he's unemployed and so am I, so hopefully there shouldn't be any awkwardness when we start talking about what we've been up to; d) he has depression and so do I, so even if we both spend the whole evening moping, he's not likely to be nasty to me about my mental health; and finally e) it's flattering to be fancied, even by someone I don't fancy back.

I still have huge amounts of doubt in myself to be able to have a nice, relaxed, enjoyable evening with someone, without me doing or saying something to screw it up. I get so nervous in social situations, and have been known to end social-based evenings crying in the ladies', because I can't stop thinking that everyone I'm with wishes they were somewhere else, i.e. somewhere other than spending time around me. Often my self-esteem is so bad that I actually feel 'repulsive' and think that's how other people see me, even though the rational side of my brain tells me that's just me thinking that way. I think what I need to do here is use the time it will take me to travel to the cinema, to remind myself of cliché garbage like 'he wouldn't want to see me if he thought I was repulsive.' And other sh*t like that. Gah, I hate my self-esteem.

Evil plotting and scheming...

2009-09-10T12:19:21Z

Know what I love so much about IoD? And in particular, Cambridge Requiem, and right now?

That I get to be all devious and bitchy playing Trick. Love it! *evil grin*

Bappy Hirthday...

2009-09-07T13:31:38Z

... to the ever-fantastic superglue_85!

Hospital food...

2009-08-31T16:33:44Z

... is pretty awful, really.

At least from a personal perspective, this article basically makes public quite a few things which from previous experience, I sadly already knew. I mean, as some of you who read my LJ will already know, I've been in and out of hospital quite a bit. The food I was given whilst there was often overcooked and tasteless, the portion sizes were miniscule, the food was often cold, and if you didn't feel like eating it, or like many of the elderly people I was on wards with were, incapable of eating it without assistance, then nothing was said or done and no questions were asked. People literally went hungry until the next meal.

I'm an insulin-dependent diabetic. If I don't eat, then bad stuff - like hypoglycemia - happens. Not to mention a fair amount of unnecessary weight loss. When I was in hospital for a little under a fortnight in January 2008, I was admitted weighing 9 and a half stone. I was discharged weighing just under 9 stone. And I was in bed much of the time. Not exactly strenuous exercise. Half a stone of weight loss in just under two weeks? You don't need to be a nutritionist to figure out that's just not right. Can you imagine the effect that this would have upon really sick people, or elderly people, or anyone recovering from eating disorders? So yeah, I figure hospital food needs sorting out. Whether or not anything is done about it now that's it's (slowly) becoming public knowledge remains to be seen.

Rant over; thank y'all for your time!

Lift request

2009-08-28T22:04:14Z

Hey all,

Would anyone who is going to Cambridge Requiem on September 6th be able to give me a ride home after the game? I can supply petrol money and directions to my house. Contact me by email (email address on LJ user page) or leave a comment below to let me know.

Thanks!!

Weird sensitivities

2009-08-25T16:13:04Z

Apart from the obvious, I think there's definitely something wrong with the state of my head. I sometimes find myself becoming very upset over or about things which ordinarily wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Today, three such things have happened and each one has reduced me to a teary and annoyed state of being which frustrates me immensely. Either I'm weirdly sensitive to certain undefined things on certain days, or my brains just decide to short-circuit every now and then. Tomorrow I know that I'll feel really silly about the way I felt when each one of these things happened, and in the meantime I'm going to tell myself to get over it, and have a long hot bath to help deal with the rest. So ner.

You know it's been a long day when...

2009-08-20T00:15:20Z

... you sit down to have a smoke and realise halfway through your well-earned ciggie that you've lit the wrong end and have been smoking a cigarette filter for five minutes. Drat.

Birthday wishes

2009-08-17T16:56:08Z

Happy birthday to evilshrubbery! Hope you have a really fantastic day!

Moles

2009-08-14T00:53:35Z

So... picking at them isn't generally a good idea, is it? They do tend to bleed quite a lot afterwards.

*This entry is brought to you by three glasses of red wine and a bag of prawn crackers.

More birthday wishes...

2009-08-06T02:46:07Z

... for spydacarnage! Have a super-dooper day!

Also, you know your family are health freaks when at 3am you discover that you are craving something sugary, and the sweetest thing in the house is a chocolate-flavoured lipbalm. Hmmm.

Birthday wishes and things

2009-08-04T01:36:59Z

Happy Birthday jm_hood - hope you have a brilliant day!

Notes to self

2009-08-01T17:55:26Z

Taking huge gulps out of a mug of freshly boiled tea will burn your mouth.
Not reading the ingredients list on a bottle of body lotion which I've never used before can prove hazardous on skin. Thank heavens for Sudocrem!
Going to bed without locking the back door means that every cat in the neighbourhood will get into and shit in the conservatory.
Forgetting your bank card when going shopping makes you look like a bit of a dolt at the checkout.
Falling asleep at the kitchen table gives you chronic neckache.
Leaving the taps running into the kitchen sink will make the sink overflow all over the kitchen floor.

What a day I've had.

Mage downtime

2009-07-27T20:20:26Z

I just spent no less than 112 XP buying up stuff for Elleyne... in a single Mage downtime. *feels impressive*

I'm also vaguely tempted to put in the approval to bring Holly (Mortals character) back from retirement. I miss playing Mortals and really did enjoy the two games I went to. Of course, finances and time being what they are at present, I don't think it'll happen for another couple of months, but it's definitely something I'll think about.

Bah

2009-07-23T20:34:18Z

I've just been told that as an insulin-dependant diabetic, I'm apparently in one of the 'high-risk' groups for swine flu. I don't get this part. I haven't had flu since I was 14. Additionally, I highly dislike being told that I'm 'going to die' if I catch it. Not exactly reassuring.

I feel like this some of the time

2009-07-21T21:03:43Z

Three Days Grace - Never Too Late

This world will never be what I expected
And if I don't belong who would have guessed it
I will not leave alone everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say it'll be all right
Still I hear you say you want to end your life
Now and again we try to just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around 'cause it's not too late
It's never too late

No one will ever see this side reflected
And if there's something wrong who would have guessed it
And I have left alone everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say it'll be all right
Still I hear you say you want to end your life
Now and again we try to just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around 'cause it's not too late
It's never too late

The world we knew won't come back
The time we've lost can't get back
The life we had won't be ours again

This world will never be what I expected
And if I don't belong

Even if I say it'll be all right
Still I hear you say you want to end your life
Now and again we try to just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around 'cause it's not too late
It's never too late
Maybe we'll turn it all around 'cause it's not too late
It's never too late

(For the really enthusiastic, the video can be found here.)

Big birthday wishes...

2009-07-16T14:25:31Z

... for slick_mink! Have a great day dude.

Wide-eyed and feckless

2009-07-13T21:40:10Z

Erm. I'm completely unbearable with all of my months and months of introspective depressed ranting on here, aren't I?

Life, as I know it

2009-07-05T23:36:45Z

Why is it that I only ever tear / burn ciggie holes in / accidently dye pink / shrink / stain my clothes when I have no money to replace them?

Well, this morning I did have money. Then I had to replace £46 of stuff. Buggeration.